A Wack Upside The Head
by Lio
Summary: A modern day fan character gets hit in the head, finds herself in Kuzco’s empire. Hilarity and vicious jokes about common fanfic errors & conventions ensue. Booyah.
1. Chapter 1

A WACK UPSIDE THE HEAD

Or

Another story in the flexible genre of head trauma being a transport to a fictional world with royal, barely-legal eye candy. (Mmm… barely-legal eye candy….)

Warnings, Notices, Etc.: This fic is in no way 'TENS' compliant. I do not own Kuzco or any of his co-stars, the nice people at Disney do. I also vaguely mention Inuyasha and Ranma ½ both of which are owned by the blazingly genius of Rumiko Takahashi. I can only hope the rightful owners can forgive me for what I'm about to do to their characters. /-grin-/

'Evie' belongs to me, but I'm willing to sell her for $1.50 and some leftover Halloween candy. You'll see why the further you read.

The rainy season had turned out to be a hard one this year. It had rained without stop during the day, and at night, thunderstorms ripped across the kingdom. Emperor Kuzco was sure he wasn't the only one awake.

He stood at the window of the Imperial bedroom looking at the spectacular light show. He scratched at his tired body through his red PJ's. He held a worn-out Wampy doll, his favorite since childhood, by one arm as he leaned against the royal windowsill. He blinked up at the illuminated sky, as he scratched his crownless head.

"Frickin angry sky god," he muttered through a yawn. "Keep it down, will ya?"

Kuzco knew shouldn't be wasting time staring out the window. He was supposed to be getting rest so he could choose the new advisor in the morning.

He should be grateful that he was getting a new advisor at all. After all that had happened with Yzma and that whole mess, he had done some major personnel housecleaning in the palace, with Pacha's help. Things were starting to get better for all his subjects, but it would be years before he made a dent in the serious damage his ego had caused. He certainly wasn't going to be having any real fun for quite some time.

He didn't mind the hard work; he figured he had earned the aggravation. But he didn't want to just settle down into the good, kind and wise monarch role overnight. He was still young, and there were days when all he wanted to do was kick back and act like he had before the whole 'llama' incident.

"I don't wanna be a jerk again…" he muttered, "But I… I just wish something interesting would happen."

It was then, suddenly and without warning, a huge bolt of lighting dove down the wall of the palace, just inches from his face. He leapt back, grabbing his Wampy on impulse.

He looked around the room, puppy-eyed and nervous. "I… I didn't mean it! Don't kill me!"

Nothing answered back, which he took as a good sign.

Hair still standing on end from the charged residue of the bolt, he cautiously inched back to the window sill, to see if the lighting had stuck anything, or anyone, important. But when he finally peeked out the window, he was shocked to see the bolt hadn't struck at all.

It was quickly traveling along the ground, speeding through the streets like an six-legged animal. He saw wind its way out of the Imperial city, then cross the bridge just beyond it before the bolt ducked behind a hill. Leaning dangerously out the window Kuzco squinted at the bridge fearing it had been destroyed twice in the last 6 months. No. It was fine. Puzzled he stepped back into the room and tucked his toy under his arm, and just stared out where the thing had disappeared.

Everything was… back to normal. Nothing had changed. It was probably the same as it had been this afternoon, just darker. His eyes must be going bad.

And then a thunderclap so loud the stone brick of the castle vibrated dangerously under Kuzco's feet sounded in the distance. As it rumbled on, getting louder and louder, a blast of purple light, more intense than the sun broke from behind the hill and rushed towards the city. Kuzco turned to run, but he ended up tripping over his own feet. Clawing at the floor, he found all her could do was throw an arm over his eyes to try and protect himself from…

MEANWHILE, 5 MINUTES EARLIER ON ANOTHER PLANE OF EXISTANCE…

"This is it. Last box." The packing tape screeched as it was yanked out of the dispenser.

Evie ran a hand through her painfully short, violently red hair and looked the room over. She knew she was forgetting something. She had forgotten to pay the last water bill or remind the electric company that she wasn't going to be there next month. Something.

She was starting to realize how much she was going to miss this place. Her first real apartment. It sucked that she had to leave, but what else could she do? It wasn't like she could afford this place on her own. That bastard ex of hers. She would have killed him, if he hadn't already fled the state.

Taping the last box shut, she went to put it on the stack.

But she abruptly realized on her own two feet anymore, the box had been holding was skittering into the wall and her nose was digging into the dirty carpet.

"What the…?" she looked back at the extension chord that had tripped her and was getting friendly with her ankle.

"Hnn…" she said in frustration. She tried to shake her foot free, but that somehow got the chord more entangled around her foot. She sat up and tried to untie the knot, but ended up making it tighter.

"God Dammit!" Evie kicked her leg hard. The tension on the chord abruptly dropped there was a jangling of pots and pans above her.

Evie looked up just in time to see a large box marked "Heavy Cookware" headed for her face like a bullet.


	2. Chapter 2

LATER, A HALF AN HOUR AFTER THAT….

She woke up surrounded in water.

Evie sat up quickly, scared about electrocution, but as she sat up, she realized it was coming down all around her.

"Did a water line break?" she asked, as she clutched at her dizzy head.

"Miss?" someone was asking above her. Her shoulder was being carefully shook. "Miss, are you all right?"

"Aaagh. My head." Evie said, clutching at her ears. Slowly she tried to sit up with the stranger helping her. Vertigo was buzzing behind her eyes and for a second she worried about throwing up. No way in hell she was going to have to pay for anything extra done to the apartment now. "Thanks. Are you the new tenant?"

Slowly she opened her eyes and looked up at… a cartoon. An honest to god Cartoon character, staring at her from a cartoon world, with nicely painted scenery in the background…

"Damn… I must have hit my head harder than I thought…" Evie murmured.

"Do you need a healer Miss? You look pretty pale…" the guy said.

Evie's hand clenched against her pounding forehead and she discovered a deep cut slashed across her forehead. "No, I'm OK. I'm always this pasty looking."

"Really? But… how?"

"I guess the short answer is I'm not from around here… Just don't ask me for the long answer." She cupped some of the water from a quickly filling puddle at her feet and tried to clean up her face. Her image in the puddle quivered and splintered.

"Do you know where you're from? I could get someone to take you to your home…"

"Thanks but it wouldn't help. I'm not really sure how I ended up here. It's almost as if the blow to my head somehow threw my subconscious over various boundaries of time, space and logic and landed me smack dab in the middle of a Disney movie…" She thought about it for a moment, and then shook her head." But that's just freaking ridiculous." She stood up and realized she had nearly a foot on the peasant-looking guy.

"You're a tall one." The guy said.

"Maybe around here, back home I'm a little stumpy…" then she realized something. She checked out her reflection in the pool again. It looked like she was… animated.

"Ohmigod…" she said, pointing at the puddle, "I've got a Disney face!"

"Huh?" the guy asked.

"Me!" Evie said, using both of her pointer fingers to indicate her head. Then, pinching both of her cheeks, she elaborated, "DIIIIISNEY face!"

"You must have hit your head harder than I thought…" Pacha said.

"You don't understand? I've got Disney face!"

"I'm sure a good healer could help you out with that. They're performing miracles when it comes to cream nowadays."

"Oh…" Evie looked at him, and then suddenly broke out into pained laughter. "OK… Sorry about all this, I didn't mean to startled you. Well, maybe I did but… anyway… I'm real grateful for all your help. I guess I'm not used to the good Samaritan act. What did you say your name was again?"

"I didn't… its Pacha." The guy said, taking her outstretched hand.

Evie's eyes widened, then went back down to normal again. "Ah. OK. Good. Ok… Oh! I'm called Evie, incidentally."

"Maybe we should get out of this rain…" Pacha said, "You know, I'm headed to the palace right now. If you don't mind tagging along, I'm sure I could get you an appointment with the Emperor. He might be able to find someway to send you home. I've seen our scientists come up with amazing things. Last month they came up with something called a zero…"

"Hey! That's great! Thanks, I think I'll take you up on that. It's very generous of you to help me out." Evie said as they crossed the bridge together.

"Oh no, not at all."

"Say, cute Llama."

"Oh, yeah, this is Misty."

Evie patted the llama on the head. "Hey there Misty…"

"She's one of my best Llamas, I got her as a wedding present."

"You're a good girl, aren't you Misty?"

"She sure is. But there's a few things you need to know about the palace…"

"You like Gladiator movies, Misty?"

"Gladiator? What's a gladiator?"

"Pacha, don't interrupt. It's impolite."

The llama rolled its eyes, looking torn between studiously ignoring Evie and kicking her.

"Maybe we should hurry…" Pacha said, picking up the pace and wondering what he had gotten himself into.

AN HOUR LATER…

"Just keep your head down and stay as covered up as you can. You don't want anyone to see that you're not from around here…" Pacha said, as they walked through the streets.

"I think my height's already doing that." Eve said, as she wrapped the blanket Pacha had given her tighter around her body. "And, not that I'm complaining, but what do you think the Emperor can do to help me anyway?"

"I don't know, but I'm sure he can find someone who can help you."

"Hey Pacha!" the guard in the line surrounding the palace called out to them. "You're on time this week."

"I got an early start. Is it all right if I bring a friend in with me?"

"I don't see why not." The guard said, trying to peek under the blanket. "She shy?"

"Um… well, you see…"

"I'm a burn victim." Evie said.

"What?" the guard asked.

"I was trapped in a burning building, and barely survived. Horrible scarring. The pus still flows like wine at a wedding reception." she grinned, "Wanna see?"

"Ew..." the guard started backing away.

"So, ah, thanks for your help!" Pacha asked, he grabbed Evie by the arm and pulling her along.

"Puuuussss..." Evie drawled in a spooky voice at the guard as she was pulled away.

The Palace was a big place… a really big, really brightly painted place. There were guards everywhere and people standing around whose sole duty in life seemed to be greeting or questioning whichever unlucky soul stumbled into their path.

Pacha seemed to know his way, however, and wandered into another big room. Evie stayed close behind him, not wanting to be left behind.

"Pacha!" a recognizable voice echoed from the other side of the hall. "You're early!"

"Hey Kuzco." Pacha said. He opened his arms and gave the skinny young man a bear hug like an uncle hugging his favorite nephew. "How's everything?"

"Oh you know. Busy. Royal. Boring. The usual."

"I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I think I might have found someone that might make things a little more interesting." Pacha told him. Lowering his voice, he added, "Keep your hands to yourself, thought, I think she bites."

"What…" Kuzco trailed off as he made his way over to the unmoving Evie with Pacha trailing close behind him.

"This is Evie," Pacha said as the girl dramatically tossed aside the blanket and posed, "She's… well, she's not from around here. I thought you could help send her back home."

The Emperor walked around the girl, face twisted in horror. "By Inti… its hideous… can it talk?" Kuzco asked.

"It can hear too, ya moron!" Evie yelled, making the young monarch jump into Pacha's arms. "Geez, don't you know a traumatized woman when you see her? I just went through a horrifying experience! Just because I was unconscious for most of it, doesn't mean you should treat me any less delicately!"

"Uh… huh. Okay…. why exactly did you bring her into the palace?" Kuzco asked Pacha as the peasant put him back on the ground.

"Weren't you supposed to learn humility, or humanity, or SOMETHING when you were turned into a Llama?" Evie asked, trying to get back into the conversation.

"Look lady, what I did or didn't l-… huh? How do you know I was turned into a Llama?"

"You mean aside from the smell?" Evie asked, waving a hand in front of her face.

"What the… gnh!… " Kuzco said, stuttering, "You dare insult the scent of an Emperor?!"

"It's not so much a scent as a stench, an odor, an overwhelming bouquet…"

"Hey, my bouquet is just fine you... you… tall… icky looking… person, you!"

"Guys…" Pacha said.

"Hey, all I'm saying is what I'm getting from here. From wa-a-ay over here." Evie said.

"That's it! Listen, either you start treating me with respect, or I'm throwing you in the dungeon!" Kuzco pouted.

"Kuzco, I don't think that..."

"No, Pacha, don't try to help… Go ahead your Highness! Arrest me! Tie me up! Slap the chains on me! Throw me in a deep, dark dungeon and… no, wait, I'll enjoy that. Hell, that's what I did on my last date."

Everyone in the room lapsed into silence, and looked at Evie funny.

"…uh HUH…" Kuzco said, then turning back to Pacha, "So tell me… again… why you brought her here?"

"Well," Pacha started, "she wouldn't stop bugging Misty for one…"

"Heh heh… Llama…" Evie muttered in the background.

"… and I figured since you can contact the best minds in the Empire, you'd be better at figuring out how to send her back home." Pacha looked over at Evie, "Besides which, it's probably better that this… er… young lady is put away where the rest of the Empire can't see her. The damage she could do just running around, alone, in the country side…"

Kuzco didn't say anything, as he was watching Evie skip and dance around the throne room humming Cheap Trick songs.

"What?" Pacha asked.

"She's an odd one, isn't she?" Kuzco asked.

Pacha smiled, "You've noticed?"

"It's hard not to. So… do you think we should feed her?"


	3. Chapter 3

IN THE MIDDLE OF DINNER…

"You know this is some of the best Mexican food I've ever had. You must have a good cook on staff." Evie was telling Kuzco as she dug in.

Kuzco pushed his food around on his plate; his appetite seemed to be lost in the spectacle of a hungry Evie being fed. Pacha was strongly reminded of slopping livestock.

Evie finally noticed the uncomfortable looks. "Whu? Don't look at me like that… I haven't eaten since lunch!"

"Riiiight." Kuzco said.

"—so, what's a Mexician?" Pacha asked, trying to keep the peace.

"I meant Mexican Food. You know, Mexican, Italian, Chinese, that kind of stuff."

Kuzco squinted at her, "So, what, you don't call food, 'food'?"

"Well we do, but some dishes only come from countries outside of ours. And when you have that many different kinds of food, and animals to eat, it gets named different things." Evie said, taking a bite, "You should see the kind of blending takes place in a food called a 'sausage'…"

"Pheh. Well at least you're starting to sound like a less barbaric people. But why don't you people just eat llamas and dogs like a normal civilization?"

"Dogs?" Evie looked horrified, "You eat little puppy dogs?"

"Your highness," Pacha interrupted, "Shouldn't we be trying to find out how to send her back?"

"Hey!" Evie loudly started singing, when she realized she was no longer the center of attention. "She was a winner, that became a doggie's dinner… she never meant that much to me…"

"Don't worry. I sent The Thing That Wouldn't Shut Up looking for experts. He told me he would get back to me before sunset."

"Oh yeah… poor Marie…" Evie sang.

"You really should start calling your advisors by their actual names, your highness." Pacha said.

"I'll do whatever I want, and don't call me," Kuzco paused to do finger quotes, " 'Your Highness'. I won't have my friends treating me like royalty. …Hey! Mariah! Shut up or keep it down!" he yelled, before turning back to Pacha. "And if we're lucky-"

A baby-back llama rib sailed over from the other end of the table, and hit the Emperor squarely in the face.

"Toad the Wet Sprocket, ya rat-bastards!" Evie yelled in a Scottish accent. "Woot!"

"… we'll be able to get rid of her…" Kuzco said as he wound up. Seconds later, Evie had a face full of spinach puffs. "…before she does any real damage." he finished, before yelling down to the other end of the table, "Don't make me come down there!"

Pacha rolled his eyes and ducked under the table before the food really started flying. Fatherhood had trained him for many things, but up until now he would have never guessed one of those things was politics.

"Your Highness!" The Thing that Wouldn't Shut Up said, bowing as he entered the room, "I have a priest here who might be able to…" he paused as an avocado-cream pie connected with his face, "…help."

"Really?" Kuzco said, pausing in mid-throw, "Send them in!" Evie used the distraction to sneak up and dump a bowl of salad, complete with heavy vinaigrette dressing, on the Emperor's head. "Not the hair!" Kuzco yelled, pulling the bowl off his head, "And NO noogies! Stop it! Stop it!"

"Say uncle! Say it! What, are you ticklish?"

"No! AGH! Stop it! Hehheh…Stop it!" he squirmed, trying to get out of the headlock, "No touchy… hahahah!… MEANS no TOUCHY!"

A throat was politely cleared.

Everyone froze, and looked.

An imposing guy with a long, angular face, dressed in a deep purple robe stood in the doorway, next to the thing that wouldn't shut up. The only way he reacted to the scene of splattered food, a strange, pasty red-head noogieing the emperor, and Pacha checking to see if it was over was a single raised eyebrow.

"Ah… sire? This is, uh, the priest for the god Deux Ex Machina. He says he knows a way to solve our problem."

"… Well someone got here just in time." Kuzco said, finally breaking free. Various servants rushed in to make him more presentable. Someone was kind enough to hand Evie a moist towel. Grumbling, she used it to clean up.

The guy smiled. "I always do, sire."

LATER…

"Huh? What do you mean?" Kuzco asked as the servant finished cleaning salad dressing out of his hair.

"About what, sire?" the Priest asked innocently.

"About always getting here on time."

"I only meant that as the servant of Deux Ex Machina, wherever I go, I will always enter into a moment that is important to the timeline."

"Timeline?" Pacha asked.

"Yeeeah. ….and what's that in plain English?" Kuzco asked.

"Isn't Deux Ex Machina a literary device?" Evie asked, as she sat on the edge of the table near the priest.

"Yes actually. In literary situations, such as these, Deux Ex Machina is when the proverbial 'hand of god' comes down and through fate miraculously fixed a situation. As the prophet of that hand, I go where I'm needed to create miraculous events. It is truly an honor to serve such a mysterious god, but I must admit, it is somewhat troublesome. Going to get groceries can take several hours, between the miracles and the fated coincidences. It is truly a pity that my gift cannot be controlled."

"I would think your skills wouldn't be used very much." Pacha remarked.

"Not at all. You'd be surprised how many fan characters get thrown into silly Disney productions everyday. The sheer number keeps me awfully busy."

"Hey! Hey buddy! I happen to like this silly Disney production! I thank my lucky stars I wasn't thrown into Pocahontas…or Tarzan… all that Phil Collins…" she shuddered.

"It must have been strange to have the Empire specifically call on you this time, then." Kuzco said.

"I wasn't called on by your highness, or any of your servants. I came to the Capital to pay my taxes early. At the behest of my god, of course."

"Huh… I wonder why your god decided to send you here now…" Kuzco said.

"It must have wanted to finally jump-start the plot." The priest muttered.

"What was that?" Kuzco asked.

"Mmm? Nothing sire."

"Well, this is nice and all, but didn't you say you thought you knew some way to get me out of here and back home?" Evie asked.

"Well, I must confess I do and I don't. I only have what techniques I've been able to use in the past. And because we're in a thrice-damned fanfic, those choices are further limited."

"Fanfic?" Kuzco and Pacha said, simultaneously.

"…thrice-damned?" Evie asked, eyebrows askew.

The priest pointed at a wall in the room and with a bizarre little Pig Latin quote the fourth wall suddenly melted away.

The three main characters looked at the wall as if they were looking out on thousands (OK, OK, dozens) of computer screens and the people outside their world that were reading the scrolling text that detailed their every move.

"OH MY GOD! I'M IN A LEMON FIC!" Evie wailed, "Some prepubescent virgin is going to force me to do unrealistic sex acts, sprinkled with spelling errors! Make it stop! Make it stop!"

"Actually, miss, "The priest said, squinting, "It appears that we're in the PG-13 section."

"Oh thank you sweet Jesus H Tap-dancing Christ…"

"… not that that helped."

"It's like looking into another world…" Pacha mused, as he looked out.

"Yeah, a world where they can't see us! How am I supposed to show off my good side if no one can see me?" Kuzco asked, posing to get his point across.

"You know, if I was in a fanfic, I'd think I'd know it." Evie complained, "I write these things all the time."

"Yes, but this author seems to have chosen to go the route of a non-songfic genre with no gratuitous author's notes. You could have gone on for years and still not have known where you were."

"Wow. That's true… I'll never take undeveloped writing for granted again…" Evie said, thoughtful.

"Ahem." Kuzco coughed, "So we now know we're all in a fanfic. How does that help?" he turned to address the readers, "Anyone? I'll take suggestions from the audience…."

"Don't say that!" Evie said, chucking a hunk of broccoli at the Emperor's head, "They'll fill up the review section!"

"Well, he does have a point," Pacha said as the Priest replaced the Fourth Wall. "How do you get someone out of a fanfic?"

"If I may?" the Priest asked. Then before anyone could say he could, continued, "In my vast experience with these sorts of matters, I've found that the easiest way to correct this kind of problem is get it to something approaching a happy ending. Just before the story tries to come to some sort of conclusion, the author will attempt to tie up all the loose ends, and try to get all the characters where they started off. In this case, sending the outsider back home in a manner similar to the way they came. If we accelerate the plot and get to the end quickly, we can send this… ah… person home quickly."

"Hey yeah! That sounds easy!" Kuzco said.

"So what's the best way to get to the end?" Evie asked.

"Well, in my experience, the most effective way, is to utilize an overused plot point. In the hands of an incompetent writer, such as this one, the story should end quite quickly."

"What's a plot point?" Kuzco asked Evie. She shrugged.

"In our case," The Priest cut in, annoyed that he had been ignored, "It's a catalyst that will get the plot moving on a well traveled path. Like a girl of royal blood, or in this case a rough girl with a good heart, trying to win the love of the Emperor."

"Love him? I don't even like him!"

"Yeah, well, the feeling mutual, ya freaky pale-faced thing." Kuzco said, flicking a kernel of corn at the girl.

"From such tension, good romances always spring…" the priest said, parting his hands suggestively.

"And to think I like this kind of stuff when I watch Inuyasha…" Evie said.

"Well, maybe we should try other… plot pins you said?" Pacha remarked

"Plot points, yes. Well there's always changing his Highness or someone else back into a Llama, or having Yzma try to take over the throne."

"That doesn't sound too bad." Pacha said. "Actually, it's kind of exciting."

"I didn't say bad, I merely said overused…"

"Heh… Llama Kuzco." Evie muttered, grinning evilly at the Emperor.

"Why do I have to turn into a Llama again? I hated being a Llama! You try turning into a Llama." Kuzco muttered.

"No, you." Evie shot back.

"Ladies first."

"No, I insist..."

"Maybe we should start by talking to Yzma…" the priest sighed.

"Good luck finding her," Pacha said, "She ran away from Kronk a few weeks ago. No one's been able to track her down."


	4. Chapter 4

SOMETIME THAT EVENING….

As Evie padded off to the kitchen to find a glass of water, she heard a very feline voice hiss.

"Princess…"

She turned around to see a huge pair of eyes glowing in the darkness, just at mid-shin level.

"YAAHH!" she ran for the kitchen, with the whatever-it-was following close on her tail,

"Stop! Come back!" it yelled.

As Evie burst into the kitchen, she frantically looked around for something in the low sputtering firelight to defend herself with. There was a cornucopia of things to choose from, both sharp and pointy to blunt and very heavy, but she had no idea what would be the best thing to unleash on her attacker.

She turned back to the doorway and watched a small white kitten enter. For one second, she found herself vividly remembering the rabbit scene from Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

"I have a bargain to make with you…" the kitten said

With that Evie grabbed a nearby pot of hot water, and threw the scalding contents on her fluffy white attacker.

"YEAAAAA! Hot! Hot! Hot!" the kitty screamed, leaping into a bucket of cold water to cool off.

Evie was firmly confused. "Huh? You're still a cat?"

"Of course I'm still a cat, you fool!" it said as it pulled itself out, dripping wet, grabbing a towel as it jumped to the floor. "What were you thinking?!"

"Sorry, sorry... I saw talking animal, I thought Jusenkyo..."

"Huh?"

"I thought you were cursed."

"I am cursed you idiot! How many ways can there be to turn someone into a cat?"

"Actually... if you take anime into consideration, you'd be surprised..." she squinted down at the kitten, she could swear it looked familiar. "Say, aren't you…"

"Never mind that! I wanted to… speak to you about an offer I have for you. And a generous one at that."

"Oh." Evie said. Then as the light bulb suddenly flicked on, "Ohhh… Yzma, huh? You're going to try and entice me with the promise of being the Empress? Well… that or getting me to help you take it over and have I serve as your Monkey-girl?"

"Ig…" Yzma-kitty said, taken off balance with the complete lack of tact. "Well, I suppose you could put it that way."

"Uh huh… I'd have to say no."

"What?! You dare refuse me!"

"Yup! And do you want to know why?" Evie happily asked, before angrily screaming at the kitten, "WELL DO YA?"

"Uh… well…" Yzma-kitty stammered, a little disturbed, and trying to back away slowly.

But Evie had long since gone back to normal volume, and was holding up a single index finger. "First off, you're a cat. And cats, with very few exceptions, don't run Empires, let alone conquer them."

"Well, I'm not really a cat, you see..." Yzma-kitty started.

"I know. That brings me to point two. Although you're certainly savvy enough to run the Empire no worse than Kuzco, you're too old to produce any heirs. So after you kick the bucket, there would be power struggles on every level of the government, and that could conceivably rip the Empire apart."

"Now see here!"

"And lastly, and –no offense—this is from what I've seen and heard about what you've done in the past… You're kind of… dumb."

"WHAT?!" Yzma-kitty screeched, loud enough to wake the palace.

"Well, let's face it. You didn't have the good sense to off Kuzco before he fired you, you didn't double check the potions before you let Kronk start pouring drinks, you didn't supervise to make sure Kuzco's body went over the falls and to top it all off, you left the palace, at the height of your power, just to chase a talking Llama!"

"That talking Llama would have ruined me!" Yzma-kitty said, trying to get a claw-swipe to connect to Evie's face.

"But it would have been just as easy to post extra guards, inform them what the heroes looked like, and tell them that these are the men who killed the Emperor and sit back and let them come to you! Besides, your judgment's off as well. I mean look at me! You're seeing someone who's obviously not from the same continent, let alone from the same era, as everyone else. And the FIRST thing you think about isn't how they got there or even if they're going to destroy everyone. You go right for: 'Hey! An out of town hick! She'll be great for my campaign to dethrone the Emperor!'"

Yzma-Kitty blinked at Evie for nearly a minute. "You're an odd one, aren't you? You're going to cause a lot of trouble." She turned, tail high in the air, and began to pad away.

"Wait… where are you going?" Evie asked

"I'm going to sit this one out. Don't ask why. I just…. suddenly want to take a long vacation. Try to leave an Empire for me to reclaim, and I won't have to scratch your eyes out in your sleep."

Evie watched her walk away. "Um… sorry?"

THE NEXT MORNING…

"Yzma's still in the palace?" Kuzco asked.

"Hmm. She talked to me last night when I was searching for the kitchen." Evie said, moving a piece on the chessboard.

"Ya, I'm sorry you guys, I knew she'd make a break for it, I would have kept a closer eye on her." Kronk said, Bucky perched on his shoulder. He looked tired from the long journey from Pacha's village.

"It's all right." Pacha said, "At least you came back when you did."

"You're not helping yourself," The priest told Evie, annoyed as he watched the game. "You should have gone with the typical route. Let Yzma use you, maybe lay low in Pacha's village for a while, before meeting back up with the emperor to help him win back his kingdom."

"But that would have taken forever! And I don't want Kuzco to loose his kingdom…" Evie said.

"THANK you!" Kuzco said, taking her queen, "And thank you again."

"What... NO! YOU SON OF A-"

"Miss! The PG-13 rating!" the priest interrupted. "Please watch yourself!"

"I take it back! I want you to get turned back into a Llama! You dirty, filthy-"

"MISS!"

Evie's lip quivered and her eyes got big as she whimpered to the priest, "But he took my queen when I wasn't…!"

"Miss, calm yourself. You must not do too much to alter the already pedestrian plot of this fic. You must find other unnecessary, cliché plot points to follow soon, or who knows what will happen to keep the audience amused!"

"Oh yeah," Evie said, as she checkmated Kuzco with great satisfaction, "And what stupid stunt am I supposed to do next, throw myself to the jaguars?"


	5. Chapter 5

LATER…

"THIS ISN'T HELPING!" Evie screamed as she ran one step in front of the angry jaguar clan.

"HOW DO YOU KNOW?" Kuzco bellowed back from their perch a hilltop or so away from the carnage. He turned to Kronk and Bucky on his shoulders, who were both looking a little worried.

"Your highness?" Kronk asked, "Are you, ah, sure this is the right way to help her out?"

"Don't worry, she's having a blast." Kuzco smiled

"AM NOT!"

"LESS YELL-Y, MORE RUN-Y!" Kuzco screamed down at the sprinting redhead.

"NOT HELPING!!!" Evie screeched.

"To tell the truth, your Highness, I think she's right." The priest said.

"Shh!" Kuzco violently gestured for the priest to put a lid on it, "Do you want her to hear?"

"Sorry sire, but none of these precautions are helping. The god Deux Ex usually responds promptly to such forced and contrived situations with great speed. Instead he is disturbingly silent. I fear that perhaps this is not within it's realm to fix."

"BAD KITTIES!" Evie was screaming, "VERY, VERY BAD KITTIES!"

"Are you sure that it isn't just having as much fun as we are? It could be stalling for a quiet moment…" Kuzco offered.

"I'm afraid that's not how it works sire…"

"ARE YOU GUYS TALKING ABOUT ME?!"

"Man… " Kuzco pouted.

"I am sorry sire. But unless something implausible happens in the next few minutes…" the priest was interrupted by dark storm clouds gathering at unnatural speed in the sky above them. Moments later, thunder and purple lightning were screaming through the sky.

"Bahga ba ba." Bucky commented.

"Oh yeah… that'll work." Kronk agreed.

"OK, what the flying friggin flick is going on up here?" Everyone turned to see an annoyed Evie, whose clothes were a bit sliced up, but otherwise fine.

"What th-… How did you get away from the jaguars?" Kuzco asked.

Evie opened her mouth, thought for a second, and then closed it again. "…y'know, that's a good question…" She said, puzzled.

The priest smiled. "It is the god! It is here with us!" A perfectly timed bolt of purple lighting streaked past them. Accompanied by a clap of thunder that vibrated the very air around them.

Before their eyes, a beast made from the pure energy of the lightning, glowing purple with its power began to crawl along the ground of the canyon below them.

"Oh… Oh this isn't good…." Kuzco was muttering.

"Dude. Let go of my leg." Evie said, trying to shake Kuzco's sudden grip on her thigh.

"Oh yeah. Don't really see this kind of multicolored atmospheric disturbances this time of the year." Kronk was telling Bucky as it started to rain. Again. Hard.

"Never before has there been such a concentration of my god's energy in one place! We must be on its sacred ground!" the priest was shrieking.

"If this is its sacred ground, then why did THAT attack me in the palace?!" Kuzco yelled at the back of the priest's head. Either the rain drowned him out, or the priest was no longer listening to mortal direction.

"ATTACK you?" Evie asked.

"Yeah… the night before you came in with Pacha I saw that…" he said, pointing to the lighting crawling across the sky, "Walking along the streets of my city."

"Walking?" Evie asked.

"Yes, WALKING. And then it ran out to where the old bridge was rebuilt and then when it reached the hill in front of the bridge it exploded…"

Evie stared. Realized where Pacha had found her. Then she started running.

"Wait a minute!" Kuzco yelled he lost his grip on her leg.

"Evie?" Pacha responded.

Evie ran and pretty soon she caught up to a bolt traveling along the ground. She ran with it, and it seemed to slow down as she tried to match it. She held out her hand and let it sink into the energy-beasts back…

And that's when she tripped over a root and hit herself on the head. Before she passed out, she saw the beast moving far, far away from her…

LATER….

"…OK… That's the freakiest thing I've ever seen." Kuzco was saying.

Evie blinked herself awake. It was still late morning, if not early afternoon. She was back in the palace in a room she had never seen before. Everyone was looking down at her, oddly.

"Hey guys. Didn't make it, did I?" she asked. She raised her hand, to wipe at her face. It took her a second to realize it wasn't there.

She screamed.

"Holyshitholyshitholyshit…" she murmured.

"Miss? How are you feeling?" the priest asked.

"MY HAND'S MISSING! HOW WOULD YOU BE FEELING?!"

"Now, now…"

"Does it hurt?" Kuzco asked.

Evie looked it over. It almost looked like she had never been drawn with it in the first place. The skin was stretch smooth over what used to be her wrist. "You know… it doesn't. Hell, I can still feel my fingers."

"Really?" Kuzco asked.

"Some who have lost limbs in the wars, have said that they…" the priest tried.

"No, really! I can feel my fingers… they're…" she paused. "I can feel the carpeting of my old apartment."

"Are you sure?" the priest asked.

"Of course I'm sure! Do you know how many times I've passed out on that thing?" she paused. "There! I can feel the scorch mark in the corner when I set the iron down when I was getting my shirt ready for that one job interview! I'd recognize it anywhere!"

"Then the creature we saw last night was part of a portal that could get you back home?" Pacha asked.

"Ah, yes, excellent exposition, my peasant friend." The priest said.

"Exposition?" Pacha asked.

"You reached into a glowing creature with your good hand?" Kuzco pointed out.

"I know, I wasn't thinking." Evie said, as she looked at her stump.

"Well, I'm sure you'll be more prepared next time."

"Next time! How can you be so sure that there's going to be a next time?! That could have been my only shot! Oh man, I might be stuck here forever… And with one hand back in my own world… what am I going to do?!"

"Ah… angst." The priest murmured, before leaning over Evie, gesturing at a nearby window with one hand. "I reassure you Miss, things are not over yet. If you'll look outside, you'll understand why."

Looking at the priest suspiciously, Evie got up and made her way to the window. Purple clouds still hung overhead. Lightning didn't rumble behind their curtain, but neither did the clouds fade away from the sky.

"They have been hovering over the city ever since we brought you back here. It is a clear sign that the fic is nearing completion. And since a piece of you has already passed through the portal, I feel it is a safe assumption to say that the beast you made contact with will come for the rest."

"Oh." Evie said. "Wait… how could you know that?"

"You forget miss, I've been a witness to many, many…" he paused to sigh, "MANY events like this. I assure you, the beast will come for you, and when it does you will be sent home. The only question now is how to summon it once more. And that we will discover with time." He placed a hand on her shoulder in what he believed to be a soothing manner, before he quietly left the room.

Kuzco came up to Evie, trying not the stare at her stump. "You OK?"

"Yeah." She said, watching the priest leave. "You know, call it foreshadowing, but I just can't seem to trust that guy."

"Mmm." Kuzco said. "What's foreshadowing?"

Evie shook her head. "Trust me. You don't want to know."


	6. Chapter 6

ABOUT THAT TIME, THE NEXT DAY…

Evie found herself back in the room she had been given in the palace, ready to pass out from exhaustion.

"C'mon! You can't give up now! We're already halfway through the list!" Kuzco said. He was standing over her, the clipboard the priest had given them tucked under one arm.

"What's left?" she asked, tired.

"Well, there's giving you another blow to the head… finding some lost relative of mine who can take over the throne… some official business interfering with going down to Pacha's village for a festival… there are quite a few more romantic 'accidents' if you want to try something less physical…"

"Says you! I tried to pretend I was a shy, virtuous water girl last time, and I got one hard work out off of that!"

"Look I'm sorry, OK? I would have never ordered the guards to attack if I had seen it was you."

"You… nnnhBaka." Evie said.

Kuzco blinked. "What?"

"If I can't swear in English, I'm going to swear in other languages." Evie pouted. "I'm not going to risk this turning into a lemon fic."

"What IS a lemon fic?" Kuzco asked, "You keep talking about it, but you never explain what it means!"

"Sorry… it's a fanfic term. It means a story that includes, or is sometimes made up of nothing but… ah… naughty parts."

"Naughty parts?"

"Y'know… the horizontal Lindy Hop? Kicking the gong around?"

Kuzco just looked even more confused.

"Don't you guys have Erotica in your neck of the woods? Gropy…touchy… stuff…."

"Oh… OH! … Ohhhhh…." Kuzco said. "Then what's a 'baka'?"

"Um… it's… a…. an antiseptic agent?"

"I thought you said you were swearing."

"Ah K'so…."

"There! You did it again!"

"Shut up butthead!"

"And now you're cursing a blue streak! Does this mean we're in a lemon fic now? You're not going to make me grope you, are you?"

Evie threw a pillow at Kuzco's head, laughing.

"OK, OK… If you must know, 'baka' is Japanese, it means an idiot."

"How is that an insult?"

"They're a country of smart people. You go around calling someone a moron in the old days, you'd either have to kill them to preserve your honor or commit ritual suicide."

"Tough…"

"But fair. You weed out the stupid or proud early to preserve the species as a whole. It's too bad we don't do it in America as well, especially considering the election we had in 2000. And 2004, come to think of it. I'm not translating anything else I say, though. I'm trying to keep everyone's clothes ON thank-you-very much!"

"And for that, you have my undying thanks." Kuzco said, as he sat down next to her. "You want to call it quits for the day?"

Evie looked up at the sky, which was still blistered with purple lightning. "I think it's safe to take a break."

They moved to a nearby balcony. Servants had left a pitcher of water and a couple of glasses.

"Are you starting to get worried that you're never going back?" Kuzco asked Evie as she poured for both of them.

"Maybe a little. But I like it here. Still, I feel sorry for you guys, I know I'm not the easiest person in the world to deal with. It's like a family reunion. You go there expecting to stay a little while, but you stay way too long, and end up hating all you love."

"Family reunion, huh?" Kuzco asked, "What family member am I, then?"

"My unbearably hip little brother who can barely believe he's out in public with me."

Kuzco laughed. "I like the sound of that. I lost my parents really early on… and politics being what they are, I couldn't get close to my relatives if I wanted to live. I'd like a big sister."

"Thanks." She said, affectionately ruffling his hair. "But I've got to warn you, when it comes to being a big sister… I'm pretty lousy."

"Hey, Yzma practically raised me. I've been through worse. I think I'll survive."

"Your Highness!"

They both turned to see the priest running up the hallway, robes billowing.

"Your Highness. I think I may know of a way to send the girl back."


	7. Chapter 7

IN THE IMPERIAL MARKETPLACE….

"So… what's the reasoning behind this, again?" Evie asked, as she tugged on the restraints around her good wrist.

"I was reviewing my notes, and I came to realize the catalyst that brought about the climax, and ultimately the descending action was immediate risk."

"… and in English, that means?"

"I believe if we create a dangerous situation… one where you would be in great peril if you stayed... it would quicken things so the fic would end sooner. Then the beast would be called, you would go back to your world, and everything would go back to normal." The priest said as he kept tying Evie to the post in the middle of the square.

"Well, I hope it works. I'm going to have to do a lot of explaining if it doesn't." Evie said, as she watched as the townspeople gathered to stare at her.

As the last knot was tied, the priest chuckled viciously. "Oh, I don't think that will be a problem. Being stuck in this dimension for the rest of your life… why, you'll have all the time in the world to explain this away…"

Evie blinked at him, then recognized the crazed look in his eyes and sharp grin from a dozen other Disney movies and realization finally kicked in.

"Well, crap." Evie said, crestfallen, "Should have seen this coming."

The priest grabbed a spear from a nearby guard and began threatening everyone who did not immediately back off. The townspeople shrieked, and several guards moved in to assist in the human wall between the priest and the Emperor.

"But… I though you were trying to help us!" Kuzco said, as Pacha and Kronk held him up so he could see around the wall of angry guard.

"HELP us? Kuzco, he's a thin, creepy-looking guy, dressed in head to toe purple in a Disney universe!" Evie yelled, "What were you thinking?"

"Oh yeah… how did I not see that coming?" Kuzco asked.

"You're a character! You're not supposed to see it coming!" Evie whined, "I write these things! I should have seen this coming a mile away! God, I'm a moron!"

"So, ah, what is all this supposed to accomplish?" Kronk asked, peeking around the guards.

"I am going to use this... girl's screams to attract the beast, and then leave this universe the same way she entered it."

"Is that even possible?" Kronk whispered to Pacha. Pacha shrugged.

"Of course it's possible!" the priest said in disgust, "I've been trying for many years to accomplish it! The only thing stopping me before was that the portal can only send back one character per fic. But the fan-made characters have always been quite insistent that the one being transported back should be them!"

"Why would you want to leave this place?" Evie asked, "The real world isn't like fiction, at least fiction is supposed to make sense! You don't have a writer to fall back on for support there, do you really think you'd make it in some strange new world?"

"Perhaps not, but I'm sick and tired of helping others go home to a world I long to become a part of. All I've ever wanted was to get a job as a accountant and buy a split-level in the suburbs. Maybe raise a few kids who will grow up resenting me, and die in a substandard nursing home. All the things your kind can easily look forward to."

"My God…" Evie said in dawning horror, "You really ARE insane!"

"Even if I was, you are in no position to stop me."

"What will happen to the rest us?!" Pacha yelled. "How could you destroy the Empire for this?"

"You fool! Don't you know anything? The canon characters are untouchable! None of this affects you or the Empire! This could have been a lemon fic where two of the main characters consummate their relationship on a pseudo-satanic alter! A ceramic Big Boy statue could have been calling down the demons, and it wouldn't have mattered to you! (1) Once the fic ended, everything would revert back to normal with no one the wiser. Because you are protected by Disney, nothing will ever change your perfect, happy little world! But we original characters… we must look out for ourselves. We may have been created by a sadistic goddess, but we can leave this accursed fic and start anew!"

"But what about me?" Evie asked, "If you enter the portal, what's going to happen to me?"

"Ah yes… you." He said, eyes wide with madness. "There is a possibility that you could be wiped from existence, of course. But to tell you the truth, child, you don't look that lucky. Yes, I think the author would have a real fun time with you. A sequel to this little fic, or maybe a prequel. You might even have your own series by the time this is all done with! And when you finally find your way home, I'll have maxxed out your credit cards and started my new life."

"You can't do this!" Evie screamed, her face going pale with worry.

"Oh really?" he grabbed Evie's grin between his fingers and forced her gaze over to the hills, where even now the lightning beast was deliberately winding its way down the hill. "It looks like I already have." Cackling madly, the Priest twirled away from the post, his arms open wide as the beast raced to the forum.

Unnoticed by the priest, Pacha, Kuzco, Kronk and Bucky huddled together, trying to keep warm against the cold winds and sense of impending doom that was whipping through the marketplace.

"Ah… should we do something?" Kronk asked, quietly.

"Do something?" Pacha asked.

"Yeah... if, ah, if we're pretty much protected and all, do we really need to help her?"

"I don't know! I barely know the girl, and I'd only face that madman if he had a member of my family. I'm scared, but I don't know if that's reason enough to put my life on the line."

"…family members…" Kuzco muttered. He seemed to think about it, and then picked up a nearby torch.

"Kuzco, what are you doing?" Pacha asked.

"If he's right when he said that it'll all go back to normal…" Kuzco said, "…then this isn't going to hurt in the morning…"

Flailing the torch, Kuzco charged yelling like a bruised girl scout. It was no ones surprise when the priest turned and casually knocked him away. He rolled over and over until he came to a stop at Evie's feet.

"Oh Man…" Kronk murmured.

"C'mon! We've got no choice now, we've got to help." Pacha said.

"My… head…" Kuzco muttered from his resting place at Evie's feet.

"Get up, get up!" Evie screeched.

"Do you have ANY idea how much that hurt?" Kuzco whined.

"Look, you've got to get me out of here! If I make it through the portal first, we can stop him without a fight!"

"Mmmph… says you… ow…"

"C'mon! Your kingdom needs you!" Evie yelled, "Get on your feet!"

Kuzco rolled over onto his side and, finding a shattered piece of pottery, took up a particularly sharp shard and began cutting away at the rope binding Evie.

"Hey…" Kuzco asked as he worked, "Hey, what was he talking about when he kept talking about a psuedo-satanic Big Boy Altar…?"

"I have no idea what that madman is talking about." Evie growled, "Will you quit wasting time?!"

Both Kronk and Pacha were good fighters, light on their feet with energy and strength. But as the beast began to slow down and approach them, his powers seemed to multiply.

Whenever one of them seemed to be winning the fight, be it the Priest or the Heros, something would happen to turn the tide. Convenient pottery fell from the sky in ways that would have serious hurt if someone had gotten in the way. Brooms seemed to appear at just the right angle to trip someone.

The battle quickly became part steel cage match and part Marx Brother's sketch.

Kuzco, despite his injuries, had managed to get Evie free all the way, just in time for Kronk and Pacha to crash into them, bringing them to the ground. From her place on the cobblestones, Evie could see the beast approach. It clearly didn't recognize the priest, but it was being drawn in by the power the madman possessed.

Closer and closer it came, until Evie was sure that she had seen the last of her world…

And it was then that a small, white ball of homicidal fluff came barreling out of no where and hit the priest in the head, going 80 mph, easy. It latched on and began turning the priest's face into confetti.

Everyone stopped and stared. Even the beast stopped in its mindless pursuit and just sort of blinked.

The battle between the priest, and what seemed to be the bastard spawn of a throw pillow and a blender, lasted for several minutes. The priest finally went limp, at least one arm twitching.

Yzma, who was clearly proud of herself, bounced to the ground from her perch on what was left of the guys face. She licked her paws self satisfactory.

"Yzma!" Kronk said in amazement. "What the… how'd you… huh?!"

Yzma scowled at the assembled characters as she fluffed her tail. "Had he been a true priest of Deux Ex, he would have known that fanfic, no matter how good, always has the possibility of characters behaving Out Of Character."

Evie slapped her forehead. "OOC! How could I have forgotten about THAT?!"

"Still… that was kinda of out of the blue, wasn't it?" Kuzco asked, leaning down, nursing his bad arm.

"It's a fanfic, you fool, not a Shakespearian play!" Yzma scowled.

"Ah… lady?" Kronk asked Evie.

She turned around and saw the beast, waiting patently for her.

"Oh…" she leaned down, "Can I say goodbye?"

The beast seemed to expect it, and nodded what passed for its head.

Evie turned to the people who had risked their lives to save hers. "Guys... It's been great. I can't express how much your help has meant to me… but… I'll try to start by reassuring you all that, even if it obliterates me from existence, I'm NOT coming back."

There were general sounds of relief all around. Someone in the back threw confetti.

"Thanks guys. Have a good life." She made to turn back around, when she felt a hand clamp over her elbow. She turned back to see Kuzco smiling up at her, his fresh black eye starting to form. He held up the stone torch he had used to attack the priest.

"Something tells me you'll need it in the last segment," he said.

She took it from him, and gave it an experimental swing. "You know… something tells me you're right." She leaned down and, pushing his crown back, gave the Emperor a sisterly peck on his forehead. "Thanks for everything."

"Hey, what can I say? It's me." He told her.

She turned back to the beast, and nodded to it, in respect, before reaching out her stump and stepping into the light…

SOMEWHERE BACK IN HER ORIGINAL DIMENTION….

Evie woke up in a hospital bed, with a pounding headache. She turned her neck as much as she could and found her little sister sitting there.

"Kim?" she asked, "I thought you were in California."

"I was. Mom said you were on Death's door…" Kim's eyes started to tear up, but she recovered by giving her sister a raspberry. "And you know I couldn't miss that."

"I said say it, not spray it." Evie said, mildly, wiping her face.

"Butthead." Kim said, as tenderly as she could.

The two sisters held hands for a second in reassurance.

"Well, it looks like everything worked out in the end. Everything's back to normal."

"Well, I do need to tell you what the Doctor told us when you got out of surgery. You may have lost as much as 10 of the use of your brain during the operation they did to save your life. And frequent hallucinations…"

"I SAID, everything's back to normal… SIS." Evie said, through gritted teeth.

"You always did joke about bad situations," her sister said.

"I must have been bad if you're here." Evie said, "How long have I been out?"

"Well look who's up!" a glaringly southern voice came from the hallway.

Evie clutched at her head as a migraine ripped through it. "Ow! Son of a…."

"Aw, I know how bad those head wounds can be!" the candy stripper said, as she moved into the room and took a place at the side of Evie's bed. "But you know laughter is always the best medicine! I know, because I watched Patch Adams over two hundred times!"

"Really." Evie rummaged around in the covers, looking for something.

"Have you ever heard the one where a guy walks into a bar, and he sits down next to a guy who has a miniature piano and a twelve inch pianist…"

The sound of the torch connecting with the side of the candy stripers head almost sounded like a gong.

"Is that…," Kim said, eyeing the stone weapon, "Is that Incan?"

Evie chuckled, despite the pain it brought.

* * *

THE END 

(1) "Hate is a Drug". Written by Dementia Inc. Don't ask.

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